CHILD
My mummy says I'm a miracle
CHILD
My daddy says I'm his special little guy
CHILD
I am a princess
CHILD
And I am a prince
ALL GIRLS
Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky
ALL BOYS
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier
No one is as handsome, strong as me!
CHILD
It's true he indulges my tendency to bulge
But I'm his little soldier!
Hop, 2-4-3!
CHILDREN
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
CHILD
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier
No one is as bold or tough as me
CHILD
Has my daddy told you
One day when I'm older
I can be a soldier
And shoot you in the face!
PARTY ENTERTAINER
One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days
It seems that there are millions of these one-in-a-millions
These days
Special-ness seems de rigueur
Above average is average - go figure
Is it some modern miracle of calculus
That such frequent miracles don't render each one un-miraculous?
CHILDREN
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
CHILD
My mummy says I'm a precious barrelina
She has never seen a prettier barrelina
She says if I'm keen, I have to cut down on the cream
But I'm a barrelina, so give me more cake!
COUPLE 1 (MUM AND DAD)
Take another photo of our angel in that costume that I made
COUPLE 1 (MUM)
The role of tree has never been portrayed with such convincing sway
That's right, honey, look at mummy!
COUPLE 2 (DAD)
Don't put honey on your brother
COUPLE 1 (MUM)
Smile for mummy; smile for mother!
COUPLE 2 (DAD)
I think she blinked
COUPLE 1 (MUM)
Well, take another!
COUPLE 3 (MUM AND DAD)
Have you seen his school report? He got a 'C' on his report
ALL PARENTS
What?!
COUPLE 3 (DAD)
We'll have to change his school. His teacher's clearly falling short
ALL PARENTS
She's just delightful
So hilarious and insightful
Might she be a little brighter than the norm?
I know to boys it's frightful form!
ALL CHILDREN
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
ALL PARENTS
Take another picture of our angel from this angle over here
She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers
ALL PARENTS
What a dear!
ALL CHILDREN
My mummy says I'm a –
ALL
Miracle!
ALL CHILDREN
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a –
ALL
Mirror ball!
You can be all cynical
But it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle
As me
MRS. WORMWOOD
Look, is this gonna take much longer, doctor? I've got a plane to catch at three.
I'm competing in the Bi-Annual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships in Paris!
DOCTOR
You're getting on a plane, Mrs. Wormwood?
MRS. WORMWOOD
Of course, I am. I always compete, doctor. But this time, I've got a secret weapon: Rudolpho! He's part Italian, you know. Very supple. He has incredible upper-body strength
DOCTOR
I think we should have a talk
MRS. WORMWOOD
So, what is it? What's wrong with me?
DOCTOR
Mrs. Wormwood, do you really have no idea?
MRS. WORMWOOD
Wind?
DOCTOR
Mrs. Wormwood, I want you to think very carefully. What do you think might be the 'cause of this?
MRS. WORMWOOD
Imma... Imma... uh, look, amma fat?
DOCTOR
Mrs. Wormwood, you're pregnant
MRS. WORMWOOD
What?!?!
DOCTOR
You're going to have a baby
MRS. WORMWOOD
But I've got a baby! I don't want another one!
Isn't there something you can do?
DOCTOR
You're nine months pregnant!
MRS. WORMWOOD
Antibiotics or... oh, my good Lord! What about the golden shoe?
DOCTOR
A baby, Mrs. Wormwood, a child, the most precious gift the natural world can bestow upon us, has been handed to you.
DOCTOR
A brand new human being, a life, a person, a wonderful new person is about to come into your life and bring you love and magic and happiness and wonder.
MRS. WORMWOOD
Oow! Bloody 'ell!
DOCTOR
Every life I bring into this world restores my faith in humankind.
DOCTOR
Push, Mrs. Wormwood, push!
MRS. WORMWOOD
I'll push you in a minute!
DOCTOR
Each new-born life, a canvas yet unpainted...
This still unbroken skin...
This uncorrupted mind...
DOCTOR
Every life is unbelievably unlikely
The chances of existence almost infinitely small
The most common thing in life is life
And yet every single life, every new life, is a miracle! Miracle!
MR. WORMWOOD
Where is he? Where is my son?
DOCTOR
Mr. Wormwood, are you smoking?
MR. WORMWOOD
What? Oh, of course, doctor, what am I thinking? This calls for a proper smoke.
MRS. WORMWOOD
Who won? Was it Jennifer Littleton? Maybe I can get a later flight or something.
DOCTOR
Mrs. Wormwood, please stay where you are. As I keep telling you, you are in no shape to dance the tarantella.
MR. WORMWOOD
Oh, my word, he's an ugly little thing, ain't he?
DOCTOR
His is one of the most beautiful little children I've ever seen!
MR. WORMWOOD
You need glasses, mate; he looks like a prune!
MRS. WORMWOOD
Oh, my good Lord, where's his thingy?!
DOCTOR
What?
MRS. WORMWOOD
His doo-dah. His what-d'ya-ma-call-it. What you done with his thingy?
DOCTOR
This child doesn't have a... "thingy," Mr. Wormwood.
MR. WORMWOOD
What?!? A boy with no thingy? Look what you done, you stupid woman, this boy's got no thingy!
DOCTOR
Mr. Wormwood, this child is a girl. A girl! A beautiful, beautiful little girl.
MRS. WORMWOOD
Just put me out of me misery. Was it Jennifer Littleton or not?
DOCTOR
Of course, it was Jennifer Littleton.
MRS. WORMWOOD
This is the worst day of my life!
MRS. WORMWOOD
Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal
My skin looks just revolting in this foul fluorescent light
And this gown is nothing like the semi-formal
Semi-Spanish gown I should be wearing in the semi-finals tonight
MRS. WORMWOOD
I should be dancing the tarantella
Qui mon fella Italiano
Not dressed in hospital cotton
With a smarting front bottom
And this...
MRS. WORMWOOD AND MR. WORMWOOD
Horrible... Miracle!
MRS. WORMWOOD
Smelly little-
MR. WORMWOOD
Miracle!
MRS. WORMWOOD
Weakly little ball of fat!
MR. WORMWOOD
What the hell was that?
MRS. WORMWOOD
Will someone give this thing a bottle?
MR. WORMWOOD
Or swap it for a later model?
MR. AND MRS. WORMWOOD
Why do bad things always happen to good people?
Fine upstanding citizens like you and me?
MR. WORMWOOD
Why, when we've done nothing wrong...
MRS. WORMWOOD
Should this disaster come along?
MR. AND MRS. WORMWOOD
This horrible, weird looking... Hairy little stinky thing
With no sign of a winky-ding at all!
DOCTOR AND ENSEMBLE
Miracle, miracle, a miracle; every life's a miracle
Beautiful miracle I have ever seen...
MR. WORMWOOD
I can't find his frank and beans...
DOCTOR AND ENSEMBLE
Every life is unbelievably unlikely
The chances of existence almost infinitely small
The most common thing in life is life
And yet every single life, every new life, is a miracle!
ALL
Miracle! Miracle!
CHILD
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
CHILD
My mummy says I'm a miracle
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as...
CHILDREN (VARIOUS)
My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm
My daddy says I'm a bore
My mummy says I'm a jumped-up little germ
That kids like me should be against the law
CHILD
My daddy says I should learn to shut my pie hole
No one likes a smart-mouthed girl like me
Mum says I'm a good case for population control
Dad says I should watch more TV!
