There! Right There! Lyrics

ELLE
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.

CALLAHAN
I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.
This guy's not gay, I say not gay.

ALL
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically radically fey?

EMMETT
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.

ELLE
Look at his silk translucent socks.

CALLAHAN
There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing.

ELLE
What are we seeing?

CALLAHAN
Is he gay?

ELLE
Of course he's gay.

CALLAHAN
Or European?

ALL
ohhhhhh.
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?

WARNER
Well, hey don't look at me.

VIVIAN
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports.

ALL
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.

ELLE
Oh please.

ALL
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

WARNER
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.

ALL
Is he gay or European?
or

ENID
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro hetero jerk.
That guy's not gay, I say no way.

ALL
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume

ELLE
Is automatically-radically

CALLAHAN
Ironically chronically

VIVIAN
Certainly pertin'tly

WARNER
Genetically medically

ALL
GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY
DAMNIT!

Gay or European?

CALLAHAN
So stylish and relaxed.

ALL
Is he gay or European?

CALLAHAN
I think his chest is waxed.

VIVIAN
But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse.

ALL
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.

BROOKE
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed.

ALL
Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

JUDGE
But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday.

ALL
Is he gay or European?
gay or european?
Gay or Euro-

EMMETT
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.

CALLAHAN
The floor is yours.

EMMETT
So Mr. Argitacos...
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?

MIKOS
2 years.

EMMETT
And your first name again is...?

MIKOS
Mikos.

EMMETT
And your boyfriend's name is...?

MIKOS
Carlos.
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend.
I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.

CARLOS
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it.
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples.
I have a big announcement.
This man is Gay and European!
you've got to stop your being
a completely closet case.
No matter what he say.
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so gay.
You big parfait!
You flaming boy band cabaret.

MIKOS
I'm straight!

CARLOS
You were not yesterday.
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!

ALL
And European!

CARLOS
He's gay!

ALL
And European!

CARLOS
He's gay!

ALL
And European and Gay!

Mikos
Fine okay I'm gay!

ALL
Hooray!

MIKOS & CARLOS
Fine. Okay. We're gay!