The Money Song Lyrics

NICKY
Help the homeless!
Help the homeless!
Ooh! Hey Princeton!

Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton!
It’s as easy as that!
Helping others brings you
Closer to God.
So give me a quarter...

PRINCETON
I don’t have any change.

NICKY
Hmmm....okay.

Give me a dollar.

PRINCETON
That’s not what I meant.

NICKY
Give me a five.

PRINCETON
Are you kidding?

NICKY
The more you give.
The more you get.
That’s being alive!
All I’m asking you
Is to do what
Jesus Christ would do.
He’d give me a quarter,
Why don’t you?

PRINCETON
All right, all right, here you go.

NICKY
Ahh, thanks!

PRINCETON
Take care.
Whoa!

NICKY
What’s the matter?

PRINCETON
I feel generous!
I feel compassionate!

NICKY
You do?

PRINCETON
Yeah! I feel like a new person - a good person!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!

NICKY
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you-

PRINCETON
All this time I’ve been running around thinking
about me, me, me - and where has it gotten me!
I’m gonna do something for someone else!

NICKY
Me?

PRINCETON
No - Kate! I’m going to raise the money to build that
stupid Monster School she’s always talking about!

Give me your money!

NICKY
What?

PRINCETON
I need it for Kate!

NICKY
I need it to eat!

PRINCETON
Come on, Nicky!

NICKY
Aww, get lost!

PRINCETON
It’ll make you feel great!

NICKY
So would a burger!

PRINCETON
When her dream comes true,
It’ll all be partly
Thanks to you
So give me your money!

NICKY
I’d like to, but I can’t.

PRINCETON
Give me your money!

NICKY
I’d like to, but I need it!

PRINCETON
Give me your money!

NICKY
I’d like to, but I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
Okay, here you go.

PRINCETON
Thank you!

NICKY
Suddenly,
I am feeling
Closer to God.
It’s time to stop begging
It’s time to start giving!
What can I give to Rod?

Something he’ll like so much he’ll take me back.
Ooh, I know! I’ll find him a boyfriend!

PRINCETON
That’s the spirit!

BOTH
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!

GARY COLEMAN
Hey boys, what’s the hat for?

NICKY
Ooh, we’re collecting money!

PRINCETON
It’s for Kate! We’re raising money to help build her dream school!

Give us your money!

NICKY
You’ll be glad that you did!

GARY COLEMAN
That’s just what my parents told me
When I was a kid.

Shit.

NICKY
But giving feels so great...

GARY COLEMAN
And I bet it wouldn’t hurt
Your chances with Kate.

PRINCETON
Well, that too.

GARY COLEMAN
I’ll give you a dollar.

PRINCETON
You’re a gentleman
And a scholar.

CHRISTMAS EVE
We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash!

BRIAN
Honey, don’t tell THEM that!

CHRISTMAS EVE
We get about 2,000 bucks!

BRIAN
Uh, yeah, so - thanks, everybody!

CHRISTMAS EVE
We rich!

PRINCETON
Give us your money!

NICKY
Give us your money!

GARY COLEMAN
Give us your goddamn money!

PRINCETON
Give us the dough!

NICKY & GARY COLEMAN
Give us the dough!

PRINCETON, NICKY & GARY COLEMAN
We’re raising money
For a Monster School
But we’ve got a ways to go.

PRINCETON
Sounds like you’ve
Got money to burn

NICKY
And it’s not like money
That you had to earn.

PRINCETON, NICKY & GARY COLEMAN
So give us your money -

CHRISTMAS EVE
A monster school?

BRIAN
Sounds like a good cause.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Give me your wallet.

PRINCETON
Oh my gosh! I don’t know how to thank you guys.
I mean, Kate will be so grateful!
That kind of money is such a great start...

GARY COLEMAN
Yeah, $15.

PRINCETON
$15?

CHRISTMAS EVE
Every little bit help.

NICKY
Looks like we’re gonna have to ask MORE people!

ALL
Hey!
Give us your money!
All that you’ve got!
Just fork it on over...

GARY COLEMAN
Or some puppets
Will get shot!

PRINCETON
Hey!

ALL
It’s time to pass the hat

GARY COLEMAN
And there’s nothing you can do ‘bout that

ALL
So give us your money!
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
Every time you
Do good deeds
You’re also serving
Your own needs.
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you give
To a worthy cause
You’ll feel as jolly
As Santa Clause.
When you help others,
You can’t
Help
Helping yourself!